What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 01:26
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
What should I do to stop being angered easily?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He knew the spot.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Why am I always so tired, no matter how much I sleep?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
What do you like about McDonald's?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Are miracles real or do they just have natural explanations?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
What did i know ?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
What habits do happy couples have?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I will be 64.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Can you make a fake K-pop group? It can be with any idols.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She loved him until the end.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
(And it was in our own minds.)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was 9 years of age.
I waited trembling.
I have no regrets .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Would this be the day?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So whats the point in blame.
We were not on the streets..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I said to her
I write beautiful poetry .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
One cannot live in the past .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She was in good health!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She found it foreign!.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im still living with it.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was very sick at this time too.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why did i forgive my father ?
So, i spoilt her more .
I was scared of men, in general
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Ive learnt so much.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I think the readers, may guess!
And i lived it daily.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We all went to grammer schools
I was seconnd youngest,
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I couldn’t, believe it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
All the time i was locked up.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
When she asked me how she looked .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But, we were locked up after school.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
My family never makes their pension either.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I don,t even have a pension.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She married twice! .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
It was going to be , some day.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
This is soul school!.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Put me off passion for life!!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But it wasn’t much.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She wouldn,t have been !
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But ive been too sick for many years..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Who then, do I blame.?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My life is so biszare .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Comes on , in middle age.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)